Have you ever agreed to something because it sounded like a good idea at the time, and then the moment comes and you’re sitting there thinking, why did I say yes to this? What am I saying — of course you have, everybody does that. This week started out exactly like that for me, but somehow it ended up being one of those rare times when it really was a good idea after all.
I had a nice little breakthrough, and I didn’t even see it coming. Which is probably the best kind, because if you plan a breakthrough it isn’t really a breakthrough, it’s just you staging something for yourself and hoping it sticks, and that never feels quite as satisfying as when life hands you a situation and you somehow manage not to crumble.
So here’s what happened. I was asked to give someone a ride home, which in my head sounded simple enough, the kind of favor you can say yes to without thinking twice. Then the moment arrived, and it was suddenly less simple, because there were more people than I expected, more bags than I expected, and then on top of that somebody decided they wanted a little city tour, while all I wanted was to close the car door, drive in a straight line, and be back in my apartment as fast as possible.
I could feel the frustration starting to build in my chest like carbonation, that fizz of “I don’t want to be here” that shoots straight to my head if I let it. Instead, I smiled, stayed polite, and crammed everyone and everything into the car like some old clown-car scene from a slapstick movie. I leaned in, which is not my usual move, but it turned out to be the right one.
Because the second we got into the city, it saved me. The streets were closed for a big fair, traffic was a mess, and we had no choice but to turn right back around. It felt like the universe had stepped in to take my side. My anxiety, which had shot up to a ten, came down to about a seven, and I thought, okay, I can live here for a while.
The car was still stuffed full of people and bags, heavy as a circus act, but I managed to say out loud what I was thinking, that maybe we should just go back to the house and drop things off. Everyone agreed. And sometimes that’s the hardest part, saying what you want, then realizing people will actually go along with it.
At that point I was still plotting my escape from dinner, and let me make this clear, it wasn’t about the company. The people were wonderful, funny and kind and genuinely enjoyable to be around, the kind of group where you can sit quietly and just soak it in without feeling drained. It had everything to do with me, and with the news I had gotten earlier in the week, the kind of news that works on you like acid, meant to make you doubt yourself, meant to bait you into feeling small.
So there I was, thinking of excuses. Of course I made a couple of wrong turns in town, because I was distracted, and everyone laughed and gave me directions. Naturally they were right, they knew where they lived. Eventually we got back, only to face the dinner-or-walk question. I suggested walking, because it was half a mile and parking on a Saturday night is no joke, but they wanted to drive. And all I could think was, we’re never going to find a spot.
But I leaned in again. I was hungry, I didn’t want to face my kitchen later, and wouldn’t you know it, we found parking and had dinner. And the food was good. The kind of good that makes you realize you’ve been neglecting yourself by not eating out once in a while. Worth it, every bite.
These are the moments when I remember I still get to choose. It doesn’t always have to be “go with the flow,” swallowing every inconvenience until I choke on it. Sometimes I get to say yes, sometimes I get to say no. And that’s what I did when the evening ended and they asked if I wanted to go for another drink. I smiled and said no. I wanted my own bed, and that was the right choice, the adult choice, not the sulky child’s tantrum because other people were making the decisions.
So why am I telling you this? Because this week I also got news that would normally have sent me into a tailspin. It was bait, designed to manipulate me into doubting myself, and it almost worked. It always almost works, because I’m still wrestling with the self-worth I lost over the last couple of years, with the mistakes I made during this move, and with the voice that loves to remind me of all of it.
But here’s the thing. I’ve got a new tool, and I talked about it in my last post. I’ve started naming those voices. There’s the one that wants me moving forward, stronger, less anxious, and then there’s the one that wants me stuck, the manipulative one, the gaslighter, the heckler in the cheap seats. And this time I shut the door on it. I recognized the bait and I didn’t bite. That in itself was a win.
So instead of spiraling, I leaned into my weekend. I had dinner with good people. I went to a birthday party the next day. And today, I did the smallest, quietest things, I just took care of myself. I cleaned my apartment, made some nachos, gave myself a pedicure, ate peanut M&Ms — the best kind, don’t argue — and now I’m ready to go to bed. And I feel good about it, which, if you’d checked in with me 36 hours ago, would have seemed impossible.
That’s the point here. It didn’t take a miracle to shake me loose. It didn’t take a genius self-help book, or even one of those smug ones that tell you what you already know. It just took a handful of decisions made minute by minute. Sometimes giving control to people I trusted, sometimes letting go to a situation I couldn’t fix anyway, and sometimes pulling the control back where it belonged, into my own hands.
That’s not such a bad way to end a weekend.
And with that, my cat just rubbed against my leg, wrapped her tail around it, and reminded me it’s bedtime. So I’m outta here. 😉
P.S. If this week taught me anything, it’s that the small wins matter. Just as much as the big ones. Maybe more. Because they’re yours alone, and they add up. And yes, sometimes those small wins involve arguing with the voices in your head — not the scary kind, don’t worry, just the everyday kind we all have, the ones that nag, or heckle, or tell you you can’t do something until you prove them wrong.
Believe in yourself.
It's Fine, I'm Fine, Everything's Fine 